Suzanne Boben

I’m sitting here at my computer again, today, immersed in yet another moment of unfolding revelation. The path of the deeply devoted spiritualist never fails to stun. This time it’s about orchestrating a life rooted in a tremendous sense of loss and abandonment, the shadow aspect of Divine Mother. Continue »

In late June of 2024, a friend of mine sent me Danica Patrick’s video where she interviewed Kaia Ra about Kaia’s book, The Sophia Code. I don’t like to read, but for some reason, the commentary between Danica and Kaia struck me deeply. I immediately said to this friend of mine, “Let’s do this!” I sent the video to a few others and in just a week’s time, we were off on a journey I can now say, 18 months later, has revealed the box top for the puzzle I call my life.

In the first week of that initial experience, we had Will Brown channel the Sophia mentors for us. We asked how to best wade into the experience and why the four of us, in particular, aligned to do it together. We also asked if each person played a particular role in the group. Yes, yes, it was all divinely orchestrated, two anchors, two ethereal information fetchers, if you will, but as the role of each person was mentioned, I found myself stunned when they explained my role was Divine Mother.

Now, if you know me, you too might find that quizzical, or even comical. I am not very traditional. I never wanted to be a mother. I would have been a good mother, but it was never on my bucket list for this lifetime. I am a sun sign Aquarian, in both zodiacs and, most importantly, astronomically by true constellation. I am a software developer by trade. From where, exactly, does this “Divine Mother” thing stem? At the time, I decided not to dwell on it. I figured it would explain itself over the nine weeks we’d spend traversing the book.

It never happened. It was only within this past week where I was able to put this all together. And now I sit here with the realization that I orchestrated the very experience of “divine mother” as the story of my life. There are many details I’m just not going to mention today. For some reason, I can’t find the energy to drive the words yet, but the gist of the story goes like this.

I’ve mentioned before that early in life, I became aware that I was in the midst of people who were “not my people.” I was aware of this very early on, and the awareness of being in a “life” that was missing “my people,” troubled me. I found it difficult to do things you’d normally do in such a life because the backdrop of “where am I” and “where are the familiar things I should be seeing” was not there. It left me suspended, trying to resolve the feeling, before I could move on to anything else. I’ve come to realize that at some point, the mentors either retreated from my human experience, or I naturally lost contact with them, as most small children do, when they get into school and are trained to process experience with their minds alone. Either way, my perception of my life changed. I lost my people and began the long, long, LONG, process of trying to find what I sensed was definitely missing.

I met many past-life soulmates along the way, and I thought, “I wonder if these are the people I’ve been searching for?” Those thoughts and those people were temporary relief, but they were not, ultimately, those who I had lost early in life. It wasn’t until my second round of Sophia Code that I realized “my people” were the divine feminine of Sophia’s High Council. That was roughly this time last year.

When I altered my astrology software to plot planets in true constellations this past autumn, the second big piece dropped in my lap. If you know anything about astrology, you know the zodiacs (both Tropical and Sidereal) are fabricated, 12-arc collections of equal space made to simulate the seasons. They are not tied to the actual constellations. The sidereal zodiac is off from 2° to 10° depending on the ayanamsa used and the tropical zodiac is off by 24°, almost an entire sign. If you want true constellation placements for your planets, points and angles, you must use a system that maps planet longitudes to IAU constellation boundaries. When I altered my software to do this, I got quite a shock when my ascendant shifted from Leo to Cancer.

Again, the story here about how I processed that, will be left for another time, but needless to say, a few things became very clear. Cancer is the archetype of divine mother and the shadow for that archetype is abandonment. You can start to see this coming together. At the time, I still couldn’t see it. I was in shock.  The ascendant, at least according to Hellenistic astrology, colors the activity of everything else in the chart. It applies itself as an overlay. So in my case, there will always be an element of mothering, caretaking, nurturing applied to all areas of my life and to all things I do. I never saw myself that way, but as I look back, it’s exactly what I was doing. Since no one in my life was one of “my people,” I coped by acting like divine mother to everyone else. Because I could not resolve my inexplicable loss of “my people,” I refused to play along with “life,” and instead, remained just above it, reminding everyone else how divinely magnificent they were, just as a good mother would.

Then as the solstice approached this past December, I had the experience that morning, of waking up with complete and utter clarity around my trajectory. I wrote about this in my previous post. There is no question. Sophia and her mentors were those I had lost as a child. They are my people. I am those people … and the experience of their loss, and the resulting experience of life, literally the shadow aspect of the divine mother … abandonment … was the experience I orchestrated for myself. I cannot describe how the underlying current of loss and abandonment colored my life. I’m just shaking my head as I write this. It’s at the root of my inability to do anything until I get answers for this other thing over here first. It was present in all of my relationships.

I will probably write about this again, as this realization is literally just setting in. All the puzzle pieces assembled. Divine Mother. Not only do I carry the unbelievable capacity to love as she does, but I also know her shadow … an entire lifetime with it as the backdrop. As always, these things are not by chance. I timed my birth precisely, to ensure that rising sign reflected the intent for my experience, so that one day I would follow the unmarked path of revelation that would lead me back to who I truly am. 

As I begin my fourth journey through The Sophia Code, it’s no longer about a role. Divine Mother is an alignment and becomes an expression of my soul. As the light of awareness floods my experience, the pain of the shadow disappears. It always amazes me how clarity heals. I wish it had not taken an entire life of living with such a tremendous sense of illogical loss. It truly paralyzed me. I was perpetually confused. Now it is clear. Now the question is, will I be able to lay this paralyzing experience to rest. It was the element that made it impossible for me to live as others live. I refused to live until I had the answer. I now have the answer.

This is going to take some processing.

Amen.