Suzanne Boben

Wishing you all an illuminating full Moon in Scorpio today. If you have placements in Scorpio or the 8th house, this could be a very potent experience. Yesterday, I had Metatron show up and whisper something to me about tarot’s High Priestess and later, spirit delivered a bombshell message via this video. It has stopped me in my tracks. Illumination landing … not just about me, but I suspect, many like me … those of us on the edge of this spiritual evolution … the deep empaths and the truth-tellers … those who, as children, were “too much.” Read more before watching »

In March of 2024, at the age of 55, I was diagnosed with Autism and PDA. PDA stands for Pathological Demand Avoidance. However, those with this diagnosis tend to take issue with those terms, calling it, instead, Persistent Drive for Autonomy. Either way, it’s a situation where you resist the perceived demands and expectations of others, and instead, assert a kind of hyper-independence to avoid the overwhelming emotion involved.

I’m not going to elaborate on my own experience of this today. I mention that above only to say that, I was aware I grappled with this, and even more, I’m aware of its roots within my early childhood experience. I mention this today to highlight that, even being aware of it, I did not see all of the ways in which it expressed in my life. I thought it was only showing up when people asked me to do things I didn’t want to do. But I see now (thank you full Moon in Scorpio) that it’s far more pervasive.

Another One of My Theories

I have a number of evolving theories about how the ascension process impacts us at our human level. My theories around autism are tied to ascension. But again, I’m not going to elaborate on that today. Just know, I’m always tying things together, always putting the pieces together, always painting the bigger picture. Phenomena like Autism, PDA and Avoidant Attachment Style stem from a far greater reality than most have glimpsed.

When spirit dropped that video into my YouTube feed, I was kind of struct by it. I haven’t been watching anything remotely related to the topic of Avoidant Attachment Style. I didn’t even know this was a thing. But I know about my own avoidance tendencies, and after listening to the message, I about fell out of my chair. My theory, or my first observation, is that, I think most of these souls who’ve come in to guide humanity through ascension, are dealing with Avoidant Attachment Style, or in the Autism world, PDA. Call it what you want and assign it wherever you want, but looking at the deeper roots that bind everyone together, my theory is that these tremendous empaths, and these truth-tellers, who’ve come to illuminate the path of ascension … we’re all dealing with this.

Avoidants Find Each Other and Play Both Roles

I checked in with my current Sophia Code group this morning. I asked them if the full Moon was illuminating anything or producing unusually heightened emotions. One thing led to another and I shared that video with them, wondering if they too, were “avoidants”. Sure enough, there was resonance. My theory may have merit. One friend even went on to say, yes, both she and her husband were avoidants and in her case, he was more avoidant, unconsciously propelling her into the role of chaser.

When I listened to that video, I was stunned at the synchronicities within my own life and experiences. I generally exhibit extreme avoidant behavior with others, because in my case, people generally want my attention at levels I cannot sustain. I also have a horrible time drawing boundaries. It is illogical to deny help to those you clearly know need it. This is the problem for deep empaths who possess that divine knowing/feeling. When that knowing flows down into the human realms, there has to be a gatekeeper discerning on your behalf and most deep empaths were never taught how to do that for themselves. They were groomed to be endless givers. You can see then, my problem. I can see what you’re grappling with. I can help with that. It’s illogical to deny someone in need. And I’ve been groomed to give you everything.

You may also see why, when there’s any aspect of asking for it, or demanding of it, I will run for the hills.

Now, a part of my theory here is, that I believe avoidants find each other. They prefer each other, because they know the pain of the other. They see straight into the other. They feel the purity of giving the gift they possess, to someone who truly needs it, but who will never, ever, ask for it. It’s the perfect pairing. I can remain stuck in my trauma response to give you the shirt off my back, and still avoid the exact same pain within myself I’ve been avoiding all my life. We unconsciously agree, to avoid that thing we give no words to, and we both understand very well, it is what makes us safe together.

The problem is, it almost never works out that way. I did date a few guys along the way who got this. We were able to remain aloof together. It was awesome. But true intimacy can never be achieved when the roots of your partnership are based on avoiding it at all costs.

What more often happens, is that, the more avoidant of the two, activates the deep empath in the other. It’s my theory (I told you I have a lot of them) that both are deeply empathetic, “too sensitive,” “too empathetic,” “too much of something,” and they both want the intimacy they can never allow, but the one who’s more avoidant, at the time, will activate the empathy in the other. The one unconsciously responding as the empath, recognizes the pain and the trauma response unfolding – they know it inside and out – and they begin to pour everything into those wounds of the other. Well you know exactly how that’s going to go. Anyone who’s read this far is likely an avoidant. I probably don’t have to say much more.

The chaser appears.

The more avoidant one, avoids more.

It’s madness. We know this right? We’ve lived this our entire lives.

Sovereignty, Not Hyper-Independence

I’m going to mention something here that may illuminate something for some of you. I’ve recently walked through the doorway into authentic sovereignty. It’s still fresh, not yet entirely anchored, but I’ve got the real thing this time. It began a number of weeks back, when I left my own tomb. I used to mistake hyper-independence … literally avoidant tendencies … as sovereignty. You stay in your experience and I’ll stay in mine and we can (pretend to) have some kind of relationship, without strings, without attachment, without messy emotions … without any kind of demands on the other.

That is not sovereignty my friends. It’s not human either.

That is Avoidant Attachment Style. That’s PDA, pathological demand avoidance, persistent drive for autonomy. Call it what you will, but it’s rooted in deep childhood trauma for those who were deemed “too much,” either too sensitive or too much the truth-teller. You were a child who illuminated the unaddressed emotion in others and for this, they not only told you not to cry (for others) all the time, or they told you to stop with the precociousness (truth-telling). They instilled the guilt for the behaviors, but also shame for being what you are.

So here you are, in all your hyper-independence.

You’re still miserable aren’t you … I know. Me too.

I see it clearly now.

Illumination.

Full Moon in Scorpio.

Sovereignty is not hyper-independence. It’s not avoiding big emotion or the needs, or even demands, of others. Surviving … protecting yourself from this never-ending pattern, is not sovereignty. Sovereignty is freedom from this very thing. It’s being free from all trauma responses like this. You can’t be sovereign until you’ve faced them all and seen them for what they are. They are not you, but they absolutely prevent you from expressing yourself, and … experiencing those things you desire most.

Time To Heal: This Is Now On The Table

I am not thrilled about this. I mean, I am and I am not. Whenever I get clarity about something like this, I’m almost outraged that I endured its wrath as long as I did. These are most often multi-lifetime traumas that we repeat over and over until finally, the light shines so brightly upon them that we can no longer unsee. I’m furious in some ways. These things paralyze us, and for enormous lengths of time. So on one hand, I’m on fire about this. On the other, I’m terrified, because this is my way of being human. I was a truth teller, but more so, I was one of these deep deep empaths that could not stand to see anyone or anything suffer. I cannot say no to a situation that requires my love. I have no boundaries when it comes to that sort of thing … so long as no one in that situation is asking for, or demanding, my time and attention. My sense of self-worth, and value to others, is based in these behaviors of over-giving, over-responding. To retract those behaviors feels illogical.

This process is already underway, but I sense I’m about to face the greater challenge in terms of its dissolution. I’ve literally disconnected from everyone again. I feel it coming. I will, as Isis encouraged me, walk into the fire on this one. I will. I will say yes. I will allow. I will engage. Even as I write that, I feel the resistance. I know I can avoid later. Oy this shadow stuff … I’ll tell you this though, I know what’s on the other side of this. I tasted that sovereignty when I left that tomb, and I want it anchored. I’m grateful for that Scorpio, 8th house relentlessness. It works both for and against you, but I swore to Sophia and the entire Dragon Tribe that I would not fail them and by the gods, this will not be the moment that proves me wrong.

Amen.

I know you. I feel you. Find your strength, in the resonance. ❤️‍🔥

Video Transcript

While this video is of Mel Robbins speaking, it was not created by her and it’s not hosted on her YouTube channel. Someone else posted it. Did they have permission? I’m not sure. I transcribed the commentary because sometimes I need to read words to digest concepts. I’m not going to post that transcript within my blog post here because those words belong to Mel. But you can either view the transcription on the original video posted above, or you can download my text file that contains the transcription.