Suzanne Boben

I am at peace. It’s the first time, in many lifetimes. This is the story of how I became aware that my own self-loathing was on the list of things to go, and of the list of characters that helped make it happen. Read the transcript while you listen »

Transcript

Good afternoon. This is probably going to be an unusual video. I’ve been sitting here for quite a while, sort of meditating, sort of just resting in a deep peace, and I’ve been contemplating what to record. It’s been a while, I know, since I’ve recorded something, and I figured I better get to it. [laughing] I will. I will.

Like you … maybe like you, I’m going through tremendous transformation. Tremendous. If you resonate, you know what I mean. It’s tremendous. And there have been things that have happened in the last couple of weeks in particular … I’m sorry … I’m going to have my eyes closed a lot because I want to speak from this place of peace without my mind paying attention to how I’m coming across.

There have been many things unfolding. I was sitting here contemplating, what do I say?

What do I share here?

What am I doing?

Why?

Why do it?

I’m not a teacher. Some people refer to me in that light and I can understand why. I have, in the past, spoken fluidly about those things I’ve come to understand and know. I enjoy that, and it helps me refine and clarify what I know and believe. But this has changed, or my desire to speak from that place, or my need to speak from that place, has shifted over the last two weeks.

There was, I’ll just tell this, some of you who may see this have already heard this story. I have to think back now where it started. Oh, yes. My friend Christina and I … My friend Christina is a hypnotherapist. And we did a session a few weeks back in which I found myself in a lifetime with Mary Magdalene, or at least that’s what she prompted me to look for. This was in the middle of an insane journey of visions and experiences that led up to this point. This was about in the middle of a two-and-a-half-hour session. I found myself holding the reins of a horse. I was standing next to the horse, and Mary Magdalene was on the horse. I knew it was Mary Magdalene, but I couldn’t see her face. And I was a young male, maybe middle, later 20s, holding the reins of the horse. And as I looked and watched this vision, I was trying to understand the point of it because nothing was moving. Usually my visions will transform as I understand each frame. This one did not transform. It was fixating … pointing my vision straight at this young male, who I _was_, in this vision.

I kept saying to Christina, “Why am I self-loathing?”

I don’t think I used the word pathetic at the time. But now as I review that vision, there was a feeling of apathy. I felt as though I were pathetic, self-loathing. I kept saying to her, “Why am I loathing myself?”

The vision didn’t transform, so she took me off in another direction, semi-related to that, which, interestingly, after a number of minutes, it looped right back to that original vision of me holding the reins of Mary Magdalene’s horse, being very … pathetic. And I, out of frustration, in this session, blurted out,

“Oh my God, we’re back to this! Why am I self-loathing?”

I didn’t answer that question in the session. I did not discern why that was, during the session. But that stuck with me afterwards and in the days that followed.

Self-loathing is not a trait I would say that I possessed. It’s an odd way to put it, but I tend to be cavalier and confident and gung-ho. I perceive things as potential fun. Everything is fun. Everything is potentially fun or interesting or engaging. I tend to see the great potential in everything, so this stumped me. I did not understand.

Now, whether it was a past life or not, it doesn’t matter. But I was showing myself, or someone was showing me, something. And the more that I sat with it and looked into it, I realized it was true. And as much as I could fish out of it, I suspected something happened in a past life somewhere, parallel lifetime … something did not go well. Something went very wrong. I don’t know what it was. But in those days that followed that session, I found myself very subtly feeling something to the effect of, I don’t deserve to be here. I don’t deserve this life. “I don’t deserve…” was essentially what I was repeating over and over to myself.

I got conscious enough about it to notice, “Hum, okay, what happened? What happened that has made me believe I don’t deserve to be here?”

Now, there are a number of things I’m aware of that could be the root of that. And so I began to ask the Sophia Code mentors, Sophia herself, guides, my higher self. I’m like, “Listen, you guys need to help me out here. You need to show me what happened. I need to know what this is so I can address it, reframe it, and overcome this, because self-loathing is not helping. This has to go. So what is it? Show me what it is.”

Day after day after day, I’m like, “Come on, you guys! Show me at night school.”

Some of you know I fondly refer to night school as a place where I go at night, every night when my head hits the pillow, I ask my guides and higher self and the ascended masters, please let’s go to night school. Teach me everything you know. I want it all. There’s also a thing called nap school. We won’t get into nap school, but it’s the same concept. [laughing]

So I’m asking these guys all week long after discovering this self-loathing, I’m like, what is it? What is it? Why are you not telling me what this is? Finally, Saturday comes around and I had had it. I was reading some content for my Sophia Code group the next day. I was reading and I stopped in the middle of it and I called out Sophia herself. I called her in. And if you know about The Sophia Code and you’ve read The Sophia Code, you’ll know the joke when I blurt it out, “Are you listening to me?”

I hope she finds that funny. But I told her, I said to her, “Why is no one telling me what happened? Why is no one explaining this to me? I need to know what happened. I need to get past this.”

Then I got the distinct sense that she was there. I felt a presence. I felt an awareness, a recognition of her, that my sentiments were received in some fashion. And just like that, the burden of that self-loathing, it dissolved. It dissolved in one moment, and it was gone, and a sentiment was conveyed back to me in that moment, that was something to the effect of,

“This was never yours to assume … this burden was never yours to take on.”

It was said in a way … I’m trying to find the right words … It was said with tremendous love, but it was said to make a point, to make sure I understood. I took on responsibility for something that was not mine, to take. It was not mine for the taking.

Now it seems odd because so often we as humans are told to take responsibility for our actions… this kind of thing. But in the spiritual realm, it doesn’t work like that.

I’m assuming it was Sophia who came when I called. Now, I don’t know for sure. But what was within that message that was conveyed to me was that I am not the orchestrator of these things. In human form, we are not the orchestrator of these things, in one sense. Ultimately we are because there is only one being here. It is the orchestrator and the actor. But from another perspective, and you have to understand the dimensional perspectives to know what I’m referring to here, your higher self is the orchestrator, your oversoul is the orchestrator of the events in your life. You agree to them. You say, yes, I will live … I will be the actor in a sense. I will go and I will experience what you are orchestrating.

The part of us that comes into human form agrees to that plan. So we come into a realm in which we do not remember from whence we came. There’s a reason for that. We wouldn’t put ourselves through these challenges if we knew truly who and what we were. So I was reminded in that moment, I am not the orchestrator. It was not my responsibility. I was to play my part and to observe. That’s what was conveyed to me. And in that moment, that burden was taken away.

That’s all it took.

I still don’t know what happened.

I don’t care.

I don’t need to know.

There’s no need when you aren’t burdened by it any longer.

Not even my mind cares.

That was a big deal. That was a multi-lifetime burden. And in the aftermath of that, I could see how that burden was altering the authentic expression of who and what I am.

If you have taken on a burden like this, where at some level, probably unconscious, you don’t believe you deserve something, deserve the life, deserve to be here, whatever it is, THAT, is tainting your authenticity, the actual love and peace and beauty that you do have as a capacity to express. But if that program is running, I don’t deserve, I don’t deserve, I’m unworthy … If you are self-loathing … I’m looking back at this man holding the reins of Mary Magdalene’s horse … If you are as pathetic as he felt he was, then no amount of authentic love expression will cross your lips.

I realized I was attempting, I have been attempting all of my life to express these things that I feel in my experience and the moment that the words came out of my mouth I would lace them, with a call sign, of unworthiness. That caused some frustration because I knew I was trying to convey what I believe is true. Most of the time, that’s this deep sense of love and a sense of your magnificence. I see it in everyone and I want to tell everyone how magnificent they are. But I would lace it with this call sign that said, “… but I’m not worthy to say these things …” and that would create confusion in the experience of the recipient.

I don’t imagine this is a unique experience. I suspect this is something that many, many, many, if not all of us, experience. At some point in some lifetime, something has probably happened. We’ve all played the victim and we’ve all played the victimizer. If you’ve taken on the responsibility of that orchestration, you may still be carrying that, and it is hampering your authenticity.

In the days since that happened, since that was taken from me, I have returned to a very deep state of peace. It’s the first time in this lifetime, probably many, where I could finally sit with myself. I spent all of my years in this lifetime trying to be sort of a … pillar of good news in other people’s lives, and you can see, you can see the logic in this now. It’s clear to me, the psychology at play. When you are fighting against a, we’ll say the self-imprisonment of unworthiness, telling yourself you don’t deserve … when you fight against that, you will do things to try to convince yourself you’re not that.

I spent many years taking care of everyone, being present for everyone, being an ear for everyone. Don’t get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy listening to people express emotion. I will never tire of that. But I often did that, to run from this lingering unworthiness, self-loathing. If I did not have someone to listen to, if I did not have someone to … coach, we’ll say … I would be left with myself. And that was terrifying. That was terrifying because then I would see clearly what I believed about myself. So I needed, I needed others to need me, so I could keep running from that thing or avoiding it.

Now, when this came up in that session and in the days that followed, when I realized I can’t not see this, I can’t unsee it, I’ve finally seen it consciously, I knew it unconsciously, all along. That’s why I would run from it, because I was aware of it on an unconscious level. But now I was conscious of it. I can’t unsee. I can’t unsee what I’m doing, what I’m believing about myself.

I started to feel dread.

I had to say to a number of friends of mine, I have to go.

I have to stop the chit-chat.

I can’t text.

I have to retreat and withdraw because if I don’t, I will use you to avoid this.

Dread is a good word for how I felt.

I dreaded saying that to them. I said that on a Friday and I let them text me back until about 9pm that night when I said that’s the deadline, then I have to go.

That was very hard.

It’s one thing to know what you’re doing and why you’re doing it.

It is another thing to go after it.

So I sat there that night, feeling quite alone. I removed everything that I could escape to, that I had been escaping to, [in order] to avoid that. I had to sit there, and I’m trying to find the right words for this … I had to sit, knowing full-well I was in my own prison, in a sense. I still didn’t, at that time, know why I had done it. It’s very hard to address something like that when you don’t know why you did it. I only knew I must have done it for a good reason. That was very hard.

It was the next morning, and into the afternoon, when I was reading, when I finally said to Sophia,

“Tell me. You’re my last hope. No one else will tell me.”

She didn’t tell me either.

She just took it away.

I’m not sure why there’s still so much emotion around this. It’s probably because I know, that I am not the only one, who has done this, and continues to do it. Now, I don’t continue to do it, but I know there are many, many people out there who are doing this to themselves.

I can’t explain well, right now this concept of the orchestrator, and the actor, or the observer as we’re more commonly referred to as. I don’t want to go down that tangent. I don’t want people to get hung up on that. Aaron Abke has some excellent commentary on that topic. You can go to his YouTube channel, I’m sure, and find many videos of him talking about the three beliefs of ego, the third of which is the belief in doership. The short of that belief is that the ego believes it’s the one doing everything, making all the decisions. It’s not. It’s not. It is not the orchestrator of the events in your life. That’s a different story, though, a different tangent.

That was the message Sophia left me with, and immediately I understood what I had done. Whatever happened, was “not good” from some perspective I held, and I held myself to those actions which were not mine. Again, don’t get hung up on this. Don’t take it beyond the story I’m telling.

Now, what has transpired since this revelation, has been interesting to say the least. To be freed from such a burden … it alters everything in life because this stemmed from a different lifetime. It came forward into this one. It was active the minute I showed up in this lifetime. So I don’t have an experience in this lifetime without it. Then suddenly I was free of it. Suddenly I understood what it meant to be able to pay attention to myself. I could never do that. If I paid attention to myself, I would have had to look straight at that issue. Wasn’t going to do that. So I paid attention to everything and everyone else. If nobody was in need of me, I would find someone, find something. It is a very different experience.

I am loosely aware of the astrological influences at this time, that may be making things like this possible. You would think, with my interest in astrology, that I might have more to say about this, but I have not been following those things closely.

Doesn’t matter.

Doesn’t matter to me.

I don’t need to know what’s going on in the sky right now to know these are some big, big shifts. I can only imagine that many of you are going through very big shifts like this. And when I say shifts, I mean those aha moments that change your perspective from that point, going on. You can never go back.

I finally have a sense of peace and calm. I am no longer running, from that thing, those events, that prison. I am suddenly able to sit with myself and to feel the purity of my own experience, which is deeply peaceful, deeply loving. And I don’t have the need anymore, to give it away … in order to convince myself I was worthy.

You see how it works.

So, back to the point of all this, which is, I’m not sure what to talk about. I’m not sure what to talk about right now. It’s going to have to be my experience. I don’t have to convince you of anything anymore. I don’t have to tell you how magnificent you are … I will if you want me to, but I don’t need to. I don’t need you, to keep me from any fears about myself. It is a truly magnificent experience to know yourself in that sense of purity, and I don’t know how valuable it will be for me to sit and record from this space. Maybe it will. I don’t know. I’m going through this just as you are.

There are some who have already completed the process. They have a specific job to do for all of us. They are doing it. And then there are those of us who are going through this process and staying on this side of things. Specifically, I’m referring to not only being in 5D consciousness or [more correctly] 4D consciousness, fifth dimension, but our bodies will stay in 3D for a while until the bulk of humanity is in the process. Some of us are just going through it first to describe it, to show what it looks like, to give it words.

I will try to speak from this place more often and not worry about whether it’s relevant or useful. I’m sure with 8 billion people on this planet, it will be relevant and useful to at least a few.

All right, is there anything else? Well, there are many things, but they don’t all need to be said today. I hope wherever you are in the world, things are good for you. Please give me a shout out. I always like to know who on earth ends up finding these things and hearing them. It’s fun to meet people from all over the world in that respect. especially if you got all the way to the end to hear this.

All the love to you.

Take care.