Suzanne Boben

Christina said something interesting to me. Well, there’s a conversation going on between some of us about how we might present ourselves in certain situations. I made a joke that I sometimes make, that, “You have to love me anyway.” I’ll say this to people when we’re sort of joking about traits, or I will be self-deprecating because I find that funny. It’s my sense of humor. You got to get used to it. But I’ll do that and then I’ll say, “But you have to love me anyway.” Read the transcript while you listen »

Transcript

Hopefully a quick video. You know, some of you know why I’m laughing. Hopefully a quick video.

Christina said something interesting to me. Well, there’s a conversation going on between some of us about how we might present ourselves in certain situations. I made a joke that I sometimes make, that, “You have to love me anyway.” I’ll say this to people when we’re sort of joking about traits, or I will be self-deprecating because I find that funny. It’s my sense of humor. You got to get used to it. But I’ll do that and then I’ll say, “But you have to love me anyway.” And Christina responded to that.

It made me think about something else that’s going on today that I have tried … I tried earlier to write about it. It’s so big and it’s so huge and it’s so epic. It’s based somewhat on private stuff … I couldn’t get it down without getting frustrated about which way to take it. So I’m going to verbalize this in hopefully a short video.

What’s unfolding today is again, nothing short of epic. This is one of those pivotal moments in a life of a human that I think every soul who comes to be human, every soul, hopes to get to this experience, I’ll say, this realization.

So to preface this, I had a session yesterday with Will and Allison in which my higher self posed a question to me. The question was something to the … it was in relationship to a situation in my life. The question posed to me was:

“You need to realize, you need to figure out what it is you were wanting from that situation. What is it you wanted and needed?”

I will say, in this case, it was something I wanted desperately.

I was like, “Oh man…” don’t you hate when your guides and the angels and the archangels ask you that kind of question? They put it back on you where it’s like, “I wouldn’t have come and asked if I didn’t want you to tell me the answer! Now you’re telling me I have to figure out the answer?”

I didn’t technically ask that question. I didn’t ask what I was trying to get out of a situation. It was posed back to me in that way that I was trying to get something, I was trying to receive something. And for that reason, that’s what made the situation what it was.

Okay, so damn it, higher self. I’m like, fine… FINE! I’m going to do this. I’ll figure it out. If I have to do this, it’s not like you get a second chance and go back and negotiate with your higher self. You don’t get that luxury. You don’t get to go back and say, well, “I don’t like your approach. I want you to tell me.” No, I’m not going to waste my time thinking that’s an option. Fine. I have to figure out what it is I wanted out of this situation.

Well, the short of it is, and for those of you who may have a clue what I’m referring to, please … … … please know that this part of my life is mine. This is my private experience. So please leave it with me.

In this situation, the situation is such that I found myself looking in the mirror … quite a lot … quite a lot. And I was having two experiences at the same time. So I’m going to paint a picture and I want you to imagine this scenario. Imagine you’re looking in the mirror and as we do, we see ourselves, but we also see somebody else. Just imagine that.

I know you’ve had this experience of looking in the mirror and it’s a little weird because you see and hear yourself, but at the same time, because it is this thing outside of yourself, you also perceive it as “not you.”

So you’re having a dual experience at the same time. You know it’s you. Part of you is like, “That’s me. Sounds like me. Looks like me. Environment looks like the environment I live in.” But at the same time, there’s this weird disconcerting thing going on because you know it’s not you. On one level, it’s not you. It’s just a reflection.

Now what was happening for me is, I did not realize this was going on. I was looking in the mirror and I was perceiving the experience as it’s not me, that’s “not me.” The confusion was there because underneath the surface, unconsciously, my soul knew it was looking at itself, that it was experiencing itself.

And what did that soul see?

I know this today. I did not know this yesterday. It took my higher self to give me this sort of ultimatum. It wasn’t an ultimatum. I’m saying that to be funny. But it basically said,

”There aren’t going to be handouts in this session. You need to figure out what it is you wanted from that reflection of “not you” in the mirror. What is it you wanted?”

So I contemplated this situation as instructed (this is sort of where my editing of the transcript adds some context).

In this situation, where “I” thought I was looking at “not me,” I was, in reality, seeing me. On a soul-level, amongst all sorts of things, I could see all the things that I was not loving about myself. In other words, regardless of what my mind believed about the reflection, my soul was indeed seeing itself, everything about itself. It could see itself in the reflection to a frightening degree.

Again, I know this today. I did not know this yesterday. I, on a soul level, could see that I was not in love with some things. And I asked this reflection, I didn’t realize I was asking my reflection to love me first. If you love me first, I will then see how you did it and I will know how to do it then, myself.

… long pause …

I don’t know if my words are painting a masterpiece here, but I want you to know the point of telling this story is to illuminate what I think is a masterpiece of human experience. I’m going to reiterate what I just said in case it wasn’t clear. I was asking a reflection of myself that I perceived to be “not me,” and I said, “Hey, not me, I’m having another experience on the side here that is me. I’m seeing very clearly at the same time that I am not loving some things about myself.

I know this is weird. Just remember there are two things going on. You look in the mirror, you’re like, “That’s not me. It’s a reflection.” But your soul knows it is absolutely you. It’s you. And in that weird, confusing experience, the mind is like, “Nope, nope, nope, nope. That’s something outside myself.” But the soul is saying, “Ooh, I can see. I can see very clearly.” It’s scary all the way around.

And when you see so clearly like that, you cannot deny, the soul will not deny, there are things it believes are unlovable about itself.

So my soul – I – asked my reflection, “not me,” to love me first. I said to not me, “Can you love me? I see that you love me. You’re loving me. But can you tell me, does it include these things that I refuse to love myself? I believe that these things are not lovable. I can’t do it.” My soul was saying, “I can’t do it. I need “not me.” I need you outside of me to love me first. Because if you can do it, I’ll see the way. I will see clearly how you did it. And I will know how to do it myself. But I can’t do it until I see “not me” on the outside do it first.

That is a monumental, monster, monster realization. In a sense, it’s very simple. I don’t need “not me.” I don’t need my reflection now to tell me I’m loved or lovable or worthy of love. I don’t need that external reflection to show me how. I see it. I see it now simply by understanding what was happening, the structure of the situation.

Do I know what those things are entirely that I believed were unlovable, that I couldn’t come to love?

I don’t know entirely what they are. I just know that’s what it is, what it was. And do I need to know? I can tell you from years of work with my friend Michelle, we don’t need to know. The mind doesn’t need to know. It’s the binding that matters. It was the belief that mattered. I don’t know whether to speak in present or past tense. It is literally happening right now. Whatever those things were, I don’t think they matter.

I can look at anyone else … I can look at any one of you and love you unconditionally. And I mean that with authenticity. There is nothing about you that I cannot love.

In fact, I don’t want to say the more imperfect you are, implying that some of you who are more imperfect are probably more lovable. Not true. It doesn’t matter how imperfect you are. That’s what’s so amazing about humans. That’s what I love the most, is the myriad of ways we are imperfect. It is what makes you, you. I love that. I love that. I love that. Therefore, I can love you.

So why would I not apply that to myself?

I couldn’t. And I don’t know what these things are entirely. I don’t even want to waste time thinking about what they are. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. The issue wasn’t the things. It was the belief that somebody might not love me because of them. But I can love everybody else because of them.

So you see the application of my logic back towards self. It’s stupid not to have that. I didn’t realize it’s not about the imperfections or whatever these unlovable things are. It’s not about that at all. It’s the belief. It was the fear that I wasn’t going to be able to do it. It’s the fear that I wasn’t going to be able to do it. The fear that I would fail at loving myself unconditionally. It was the fear, not the things themselves.

What happens when a human achieves this capacity to love themselves, not just everybody else?

I’m telling you, [unconditional love for others] was easy. Interestingly, it was very easy to achieve that when you gain enough perspective about how reality works, the nature of Source, God. When you gain enough perspective about that, it’s illogical not to love everybody in their whatever state they’re at.

I don’t like to say it’s illogical, meaning it’s on some kind of plane of logic. It’s just the best word in the moment I can use. There’s no other choice but to see the existence of other souls in your life as expressions of love. They’re not “perfect” [by some measures], but from these greater perspectives …

This is why I laugh all the time … it’s because we’re all like little kids, three-year-olds. You can see their naughtiness or their attempts to deceive you even. As an adult with the greater perspective, you find it entertaining. You know you shouldn’t laugh at them; you should not encourage some of these behaviors. But it is so funny from your perspective. That’s what unconditional love is. It’s very easy to give to other people. But to achieve this perspective of turning that back towards yourself … you’re going to face this fear that I’m facing right now, that I just did.

I think this is something we all come to. Maybe you’ve already come to this. You’re going to face it, and you’re going to realize it’s not the things that are supposedly unlovable that you fear most. It’s the fear that you won’t be able to love yourself despite them. It’s simply your own fear that you might fail at loving yourself the way you can love everyone else.

All right. Well, that was a somewhat short dissertation, relative to my other dissertations, 23 minutes. That’s the message today. I hope that that touches some people who hear it.

All right. That’s it. Bye-bye. (laughs)