Suzanne Boben

It would seem my “What do you want?” rant had an unexpected outcome I did not anticipate. Today, another day full of “Well damn I didn’t see that coming” revelation, it’s asking me, “What do you want?”

Now you might think that’s a simple thing, a simple question. Except, there are those weird times in life, when simple questions are no longer simple. You realize they never were; they were icebergs all along, appearing simple, but possessing an immense potential beneath the surface for those willing to swim around down there. It ain’t that simple.

I ranted my arse off yesterday – mostly cuz fire is fun, but I did not realize that rant was probably for me, as much as anyone else.

I’m sitting here today, aware, for the first time in my life, that what I want is actually important. I don’t think I had ever valued what I truly wanted. It’s weird to even think that. It’s an illogical supposition, because wanting implies value. How can you not value what you want? Even I’m confused and I was doing that. Continue reading »

Uff.

I’m not going to reveal all the details behind this but I will say, it has a lot to do with the physical world. I have never given the physical world much of my attention. It’s one of those subtle, not so subtle(?) judgements that some spiritual people carry… yes yes I know quite well the purpose of the physical world, even the epic nature of the whole deal, but I’ve got a bit of that astrological spirit snob going on… thank you air energy SMH. That’s Gemini, Libra and Aquarius there my fellow spirit snobs XD

There’s this whole grander thing going on with me right now. I can’t even sum it up. It would be another book. I’m writing about bits here and there. It has to do with finally seeing my entire nature, almost from outside myself. I’ve had the luxury of more mirrors (see recent video) in which my reflection has been revealing things I never saw before. I’m kind like a balloon full of air that someone let go and it’s flying all over the room. LOL – kinda like that. Kinda not. That’s a wild exaggeration, but I sorta feel like. I’m having this big massive realization that the way I’m wired spiritually plays itself out in ways you can pin and say, “See? Look there.” If you can stop the film and see it, you can then logically realize that those traits can have an impact on others. I was not realizing my wiring had any impact on others. Like that balloon flying all over the room, I’m constantly channelling potential into this realm. Ideas fly left and right and I watch to see who gravitates toward them. I’m like an adoption agency. I care about the potentials I’m providing, but ultimately I’m not one who’s going to invest in them and nurture them to their full potential. I’m always looking for potential parents for these potentials. How bout you? No. Ok, you over there… are you interested in this?

Uff again. And I’m relentless about this. I don’t stop.

Maybe you’re wondering how all that is tied to what I want…

It’s an odd bridge between these. I was so fixated on this wiring, of bringing potentials to those who could do something with them, that I could not see all the other aspect of life. Boy does that sound bizarre, but this is technically an accurate way to put it. I can’t give the physical my attention because all this potential egad what do I do with it? It just keeps coming – must find homes for this potential! And if no one steps up and says, “Oh! That’s for me, well then I have to spend – I think I have to spend all this time – putting that potential into form myself… except I am NOT a form giver. I can do it, but it takes way more of my energy than I should spend.

Now we’re on that bridge.

This is not what I want. I do not want to (have to) be a form giver. There are people here, maybe YOU, who have the wiring to give form. I can do it but it takes me forever – the potentials never stop and like that balloon flying all over the room, there’s no hand, I have no hand to give my existence structure. You see the hand that holds the untied balloon makes all the difference for that balloon. That balloon is in a state of potential. It will either become useful, or less useful depending on whether the form-giver in that analogy gives it more form.

Now, I don’t have a form-giver in my life who loves that I’m wired like this, or that knows what to do with me. Ultimately the goal as a human is to become that for yourself, yes, I am painfully aware of that suddenly. That is the point of this rant LOL. I want that. I’ve become aware I need to do that. I can’t go flying around all the time, exhausting everyone.

There’s a great line that Ptolemy speaks at the end of the movie, Alexander. He says, “I never believed in his dream. None of us did. That’s the truth of his life. The dreamers exhaust us. They must die before they kill us all with their blasted dreams.”

More uff.

All that said, it is not form for my potentials, that drove this revelation today, around the importance of what I want. What that whole bit contributed, was the awareness that I’m impacting a physical world. I know it sounds insane. How can you not know that? Well, I associated “impact” with the frequency that my potentials were adopted by others… which is almost never. Thus, I must have little to no impact. Do you see the logic here? The bridge then, is that when you have no (perceived) impact, the physical world has less weight. I was stuck far back in the process, constantly trying to figure out why reception was not happening. I couldn’t move to the anchoring piece, the physical world piece. I believed there was something wrong with the potentials. I never moved to the physical.

I guessing most aren’t gonna follow this. I write mostly to anchor my own revelations. If you follow my logic here tho, let me know. I’d appreciate it.

So now I realize, I am having an impact, but not necessarily one that’s productive or suitable for your average person. I know I have to tweak some things. These bits I found swimming around under the iceberg of “What do you want?” now allow me to see the whole picture, even that I wasn’t valuing the physical. Duh… what you want is absolutely tied to the physical. Thus, I never valued what I want.

Ok, I’m not going to go back and edit this for clarity. I should, but I’m not gonna cuz I got what I needed. If there was something for anyone else… magic!

Amen. Peace and love and an open heart.